It’s not a shithole, it’s an OPPORTUNITY!
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In Front of Dream House #7
You are standing before a nice, two story house with the prefect number of rooms, the ideal amount of non-grass yard, a lovely pool and deck area, and a perfectly sized guest structure off to one side.
A real estate agent is standing nearby.
>AGENT, WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
Agent: “Hopefully yours! It’s been 2 long months of house hunting and deal making, so just sign those papers and your dreams will come true!”
>AGENT, WHAT CONTRACT?
The agent gives you a funny look.
You are carrying:
a purchase contract
a deep bitterness
a flask (containing booze)
>GIVE BITTERNESS TO AGENT
The agent takes the bitterness from your hands and gives it a thorough inspection. “I’ve seen worse,” she says, handing it back.
>WHAT IS DREAM HOUSE #7?
Dream House #7 is the latest is a string of comical attempts to play the real estate game and shed the undersized chrysalis of a dwelling that you currently call home. Sure, it’s no Dream House #4, but…
>SIGN CONTRACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #7
Agent: “I really think that dream house #4 was more your style!”
>SIGN CONTRACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #4
As you scribble down some information, the agent’s phone rings. She cups her hand over the receiver and sadly states, “I’m sorry, but the county says the septic system is illegal. You still want this one? House #3 was very nice!”
(Your bitterness increases by 5 points.)
>SIGN CONTRACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #3
The agent checks her smartphone.
Agent: “I’m sorry, but that was the owner. He says he had to bulldoze the patio and fill in the pool at House #3. And he is raising the price by $50,000. You know, House #1 was a winner from the beginning…”
>SIGN CONTRACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #1
A sparrow flits over and twitters something in the agent’s ear.
Agent: “Oh, mercy! They just found a sinkhole in the garage of House #1! We can ask for a discount or perhaps House #5?”
(Your bitterness increases by 5 points. Your bitterness has leveled up.)
>WHAT IS DREAM HOUSE #5?
Dream House #5 was similar to House #1, 2, 4, and 7, excepting a ridiculous new mark up on the price.
You drain the last mouthful.
Agent: “I know it’s been a long week! Sorry!”
>AGENT, IT’S BEEN TWO MONTHS
Agent: “Potato, Potahto.”
>THROW FLASK AT AGENT
>SIGN CONTRACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #2
The agent stops your hand from writing.
Agent: “Oopsie! Once again, a little glitch on the inspections there… Do you REALLY think that toxic mold means… toxic? It IS covered up, after all!”
>AGENT, HOW MUCH IS HOUSE #5?
Agent: “Far, far, FAAAAAAAR too much! Are you interested?”
>SIGN CONTACT FOR DREAM HOUSE #5
Agent: “Oh no, too late! Seller says they are already under contract!”
>SIGN ALL CONTRACTS
The agent coughs uncomfortably.
Agent: “Actually it seems that all houses we’ve been watching already had offers before they hit my MLS. We can put in a backup offer on this house here, House #7, if you’d like?”
>MAKE BACKUP OFFER ON HOUSE #7
As your pen touches paper the ground shutters beneath your feet and a thunderous roar echoes around you. A sour orange glow bursts up from beneath the Dream House as demonic spirits lurch up from a hidden graveyard and, clutching and wailing, crush the dwelling down into their hellish lair under the soil.
>AGENT, WHAT NOW?
Your agent shrugs.
Agent: “Maybe knock ten grand off?”
(Your bitterness increases by 20 points. Your bitterness has reached max level!)