The Iphone hidden under your pillow buzzes softly, rousing you from sleep. It is 11:30pm – just 30 minutes until your wife’s birthday. She is lying asleep next to you, sleeping soundly and oblivious to the celebratory machinations at work in your mind. You’d best get cracking if you’re going to get things ready. However… sleep does sound awesome….
In a Bed
You are lying in bed, just barely awake. Your wife is sleeping nearby.
An Iphone alarm is vibrating under your pillow, keeping you awake.
>GET PHONE AND HIT SNOOZE
You grab the phone and instead lurch out of bed.
>GO BACK TO BED
You silence the alarm and instead shuffle out into the living room.
>GO BACK TO THE BEDROOM
You stay put and instead remember that you have prep work to do for your wife’s birthday before she wakes up.
You are in a front room and really not awake. You know there is a Kitchen nearby. There is a closet on one wall and a large desk opposite the television area.
I don’t see any presents here.
>FIND THE HIDDEN PRESENTS
Oh, those! You dig through the (hiding place redacted) and retrieve the hidden presents from the children.
It is now 25 minutes until your wife’s birthday.
You are too incoherent to attempt that.
You are in a kitchen and really not awake. There are cabinets and stuff. Moonlight gleams off a coffee maker. The Living Room is to the south.
>MAKE A CUP OF COFFEE
Your wife does not drink coffee. Good Lord, do you know this person at all!?! Focus!
>MAKE ***ME*** A CUP OF COFFEE
Ah, sorry mate. Hot coffee bubbles its way down into the pot.
You burn yourself and are now a bit awake.
You are now carrying a coffee stain.
You are carrying:
a coffee stain
You reveal a line of mismatched coffee mugs.
>GET COFFEE IN MUG AND DRINK IT.
Done and done.
You are now awake.
It is now 20 minutes until your wife’s birthday.
You lack paper.
400 rolls of lovely wrapping paper fall out onto the floor.
You select a suitable roll that is almost out. Hopefully Costco has another
50 pack on sale soon…
It is now 15 minutes until your wife’s birthday.
You lack tape.
>LOOK AT DESK
There is an old PC, assorted books, and a supply drawer.
>OPEN SUPPLY DRAWER
You see every office product imaginable inside.
Which roll of tape would you like, the green label roll or the purple label roll?
>I DON’T CARE
Wrong choice. This isn’t her first birthday, is it?
>GET PURPLE LABEL ROLL OF TAPE
Satin finish gift wrap tape taken.
You wrap up the presents to the best of your ability. The word ‘passable’ comes to mind.
It is now 10 minutes until your wife’s birthday.
>GET CARDS FROM THE KIDS
You don’t see any cards from the kids.
>GET THE HIDDEN CARDS FROM THE KIDS
Oh, those! You dig through the (hiding place redacted) and retrieve the handmade cards from the children.
>LOOK AT DAUGHTER’S CARD
>PUT A CARD AND GIFT IN DAUGHTER’S ROOM.
You arrange the gifts on her desk.
>LOOK AT SON’S CARD
>PUT A CARD AND GIFT IN SON’S ROOM.
You arrange the gifts on his dresser.
It is now 5 minutes until your wife’s birthday.
>QUIETLY PUT AWAY PAPER AND TAPE.
It is now 1 minute until your wife’s birthday.
>GO BACK TO BED
You silently return to bed. The motion causes your wife to stir. She rolls over with a little smile and you place a single kiss on her forehead. “Happy Birthday,” you whisper.
*** you’ve won!!! ***
You scored 100 points out of a possible 100.
Would you like to continue the free form game?
As you wish.
Ten minutes pass and then a brutal scream tears through the monitor that is sitting on the bathroom counter. It is your son’s voice, crying with the familiar and hated sounds of growing pains.
(You have lost 10 points).
>GET OUT OF BED
You leap out of bed, waking up your wife.
(You have lost 5 points)
>RUN TO SON’S ROOM
You trip over a box of leftover girl scout cookies and wrench your ankle.
(You have lost 15 points)
You are in a bedroom that is decorated with road signs and car stuff.
Your son is in bed, screaming in pain.
It is very dark in here.
Your wife has now not enjoyed 10 minutes of her birthday.
>TURN ON LIGHT
Your son wails and chokes in response and you turn the lights back down.
(You have lost 10 points)
>SON, WHAT HURTS?
Your son points to his knees and gags while sobbing.
You attempt to massage and sooth your child. It doesn’t work.
(You have lost 20 points)
Your wife has now not enjoyed 15 minutes of her birthday.
Your son gags again and screams, “BATHROOM!”
>CARRY CHILD TO BATHROOM
Your wife enters the doorway as you come rushing out. She staggers back from the collision.
(You have lost 35 points.)
Son: “I WANT MOMMY!”
Your wife takes the child and heads for a rocking chair.
Your wife has now not enjoyed 30 minutes of her birthday.
(You have lost 5 points, leaving you with zero.)
*** you have lost! ***
PLAY AGAIN? (Y or N) >Y
Excellent! We’ll see you again in 2015!
(P.S. After 7am she had a great day.) 🙂